Don't read this if you don't care about my life.

Today was cloudy, but bright and warm and muggy, all day. Then at around 6:30 it started thundering. Thunder hit all around my school, and by 7:00 pm there was hail and a torrential rain that hit like bricks against the world here. And then, it rained. And then the clouds moved on in a brilliant display of purple and orange and pink and red and blue and yellow and the fog lifted and the rain cleared and the sun set in a gorgeous fashion over the lake, and a cool wind blows softly through campus, reminding everyone that summer isn't there, not quite yet.

That, in a nutshell, was my experience at this fucked up boarding school. From social exclusion, all nighters, bitchyness, sickness, sunny days, ordering pizza and bad Chinese takeout, feeling lonely, listening to music no one's heard of, being the token "Bisexual Canadian", hooking up with guys who then pretended not to know me the next day, feeling lonely, eating bad food, going to class dizzy and heavy hearted, having moments of glee at the thought that maybe I may have made a friend, crying and singing to Laone's piano, or to Will's bass, or to Tommy's sax. Listening Juliet sing and feeling like the world is right. This is a freakshow, this whole thing. I remember swimming in the lake alone, and people calling me crazy: the water's too cold. Sailing was tough, sailing sucked, sailing rocked, sailing was sailing. I remember the skinny dipping. I remember "night golfing". I remember staying up in the halls talking to my neighbours. I remember being called out for spelling colour with a "u". I remember being alone in my room, wishing I was somewhere else. I remember playing music loudly. I remember being homesick. I remember taking red card. I remember the surprise holidays. I remember Anna and Quidam. I remember that phonecall where suddenly, my whole world changed again, at three in the morning. I remember learning to compromise. I remember sacrificing drawing and writing for schoolwork. I remember saying fuck that. Fuck SATs. Fuck college. Who cares about this homework. I'll just sleep. Or hang out with people who care. I remember that night with Will under the stars where our voices whispered about a moment, a moment, and I remembered what it was like to be in love. I remember the bad grades, I remember the few good ones. I remember the teachers, I remember hiding the markers and erasers from my Spanish teacher. I remember yelling at people in French because its fun. I remember Cake, I remember Nix, Sasha, Sarah, I remember the giggles. I remember Liz, and going on a roller coaster for the first time. I remember being at the snack bar and sneezing really loudly. I remember Bryana and her sexiness. I remember the phonecalls from home, from New York, from Rei...

I remember so much. One year is gone, one year of my life and I know I feel like I'm someone so different, and yet I don't feel like I've changed, because I don't remember the last time I was me, truly happy. But there are moments where I have been truly happy, under the indigo sky right after sunset. I'm going to miss so much about this year, and yet I'm so happy to let it go.

I'm not going to forget the intense feeling of solitude. I'm not going to forget those first two weeks of frantic panicking, where I tried to hold on and remember what a weekend was. I won't forget my first Friday night, and how heartbroken I was to know I had Saturday classes. I won't forget the first time I went swimming in the lake. I won't forget my first friend, a girl from Shanghai just as lost as I was. I won't forget being awed, being scared shitless for the first time in my life.

I won't forget how judgements affect me, and how scared of other people I am. I forgot my confidence, I forgot my independence. In a bubble so many feel protected in, I craved the anonymity of my downtown Montréal streets, of my city where I felt like I belonged, one of the countless others who roamed the streets, dressed in hundreds of different ways. I won't forget the fall of 2007.

I came so far and I feel like I've achieved so little, but I'm as tired as someone who just swam across the Pacific.

I cried a lot. I laughed a good bit. I didn't smile quite enough.

Thank you for putting up with me, everybody.
-muffs